‘You are not the man you think yourself to be.’ That’s what she told me. I did not see that coming. And that knocked me off my feet. A lot. My ego had been attacked. And the knee jerk reaction is to try and defend yourself. But for some reason, I held back. I knew trying to defending myself would be futile. Not in this specific scenario. I had a million questions, and I was trying to sift through them so that I could ask the best ones. But I was also judging which questions were actually going to be answered directly, or in a constructive manner. And I figured that a lot of them probably weren’t going to be answered, or we going to cause a lot more animosity. But that discussion left me in a state of shock for a couple of days. It stayed on my mind for a full 24 hours. I couldn’t figure out why. That is until I deduced that the issue was. This conversation had left me in existential dread. It had made me feel helpless. There was a train coming. There was no stopping it.
You Can’t Understand
One of the things I was told repeatedly is that I can’t understand. I imply can’t. I am not a woman. How could I possibly ever get a grasp of what a woman goes through? Me, a man. Who has all the privileges that the patriarchy has bestowed on him. Me, a man, who’s life struggles can never, ever compare to the struggles the woman has to go through. Me, a man, who doesn’t know what sexual assault is. Me, a man, who doesn’t know the feeling of being scared. Me, an man, who by virtue of being a man, is the fucking problem. That’s the message I got. And while there is truth to this message, think about what it signals to a man who wants to understand. A man who actually wants to help. It signals that he is of no use in the struggle. That he doesn’t have a part to play. The woes of the other sex are caused solely by his sex. Solely. There is no other cause. It’s me. And besides, how can someone help a situation they are told they can never get?
But spoiler alert, there are men who want to help. But they don’t know what to do. They don’t know where to start. And so they choose to steer clear. But that only serves to reinforce whatever prejudices are there. That men are self centered. Only care about themselves. That our walking away is because we don't support women's issues. That were being assholes, just as we always have been, just as we always will be.
There exists people that want to help. Many of them. They just get drowned out when blanket statements like ‘all men are trash’ are made. They get drowned out when they are all lumped into the fucking patriarchy. Generalizations and stereotypes are hard to outrun. You have to always be perfect. Always. One foot wrong, and you get lumped back to the stereotype. ‘That’s what these men are like. You have to get used to them.’
If You Would Just Listen
‘If you were a good man, you would just listen.’ This is one of the answers I got when I asked what exactly a ‘good man’ was. And this is another thing that messed with my mental a bit. Because all through the conversation, I was listening. I was. For me, there’s one simple signifier that someone is listening. They ask questions. They ask for clarifications. They engage in the conversation outside of nodding their heads. Because everybody can nod their heads. Few can ask questions. But it seemed to me that asking questions, trying to understand, was a signifier that I don’t understand, that I can’t understand. Pushing back on some things being said was me being misogynistic. Pushing back on logical fallacies and blanket statements was a signal that I wasn’t even trying to be empathetic. It was me having an opinion on women’s issues. And men, it seems, are not allowed an opinion when it comes to this. This is a freedom they are not entitled to. You're not supposed to offer any rebuttal that might help to make sure that the argument being put forward is robust. No. If I was trying to help, all I had to do was shut up and listen. Shut up and listen.
I’ve always thought of myself as a good listener. But this conversation made me realize that I’d been doing it wrong the whole time. What I’d been doing so far, is letting someone talk. But letting someone talk doesn’t exactly mean that you’re listening, does it?
To Always Strive To Be Of Service
This is the motto I’ve lived by over the past year or so. To always strive to be of service. But this conversation left me feeling helpless. For one, it felt like walking on eggshells. Especially as the said perpetrator. I had to measure my words. Say the right thing. Do the right thing. Else it would be attributed to my imperfections as a man. It made me realize that everything I do is a factor of my seeming privilege of being a man. It’s one of the things that I was told during the conversation. That I needed to accept my privilege. On the other hand, being a man, by default, is to be a part of the problem. This must be how white people today feel. I had to question my assumptions and judgements. Every time I asked myself what I could do to help the situation, I got a seemingly simple answer back. Whenever someone is angry at something in general that has no face, it’s because they are angry at something specific that does have a face. And while the answer was pretty obvious to me, it was not taken very kindly. Plus this is a solution that starts with the individual. And solutions that start with the individual are always a pain.
The Tyranny of the Majority
The assumption when you get a person out of tyranny is that anything’s better than tyranny. And so Moses led his people out of captivity, and towards the promised land. And that was supposed to be quick and easy. And it was supposed to be better than what they had left behind. But the Israelites ended up spending 40 years in the desert. A journey that should have taken a month at most. The Egyptians tried to go after them. To bring them back. But they drowned in the process. A futile attempt. Eventually they let go. And during those forty years, a lot happened with the Israelites. It was a period characterized by conflict. There was a lot of confusion. they were bitten by snakes. A lot of snakes. A lot of the Israelites lost faith. They lost faith in the promise. They lost faith in their god. They turned to idols. They did eventually get there though, but after a lot of chaos.
We are in the middle of a cultural revolution. The rules are being re-written. And there will be a lot of chaos before we settle down into a steady state. There will be conflict. There will be confusion. We are fumbling in the dark, trying to figure out how to make this work. Some want to go back to the old order, but I don’t think that’s happening. We are going to keep stumbling forward, until we reach some solid ground. This is a journey in which I’m not exactly sure how I can be of service to the general. But I can be of service to the particular - those around me that do actually want my help, and are willing to walk me through how to be of help. Maybe that’s the only way.